A Tribute to My Nana

On Sunday December 18^th, my family lost our Nana. Nana was my great-aunt on my mother’s side. She was the sister of my grandmother, but Nana was the only grandmother I knew.

I never met my grandmother. She tragically died when my mother was 2 years old so my mom does not have any memories of her mother. After the death of my grandmother, her 2 sisters took it upon themselves to care for my mom, and my mom lived with each of them as she was growing up.

Nana loved me and my brother and treated us as if we were her grandchildren even though we were not. We would go her house and swim, ride her 3 wheel bike around her mobile home park, get birthday cards with $1 inside the card and so much more. As I grew up, I began to have questions about the grandmother I never knew. Nana became the only link I had to my grandmother, and would always welcome any questions I had about her.  One day, I took to trip to visit Nana at her home in Los Banos with my aunt to hear all about my grandmother. Nana sat with me for a few hours telling me stories about the life and the untimely death about my grandmother.  That day, not only did I feel closer to my grandmother, but I especially felt closer to Nana because she had let me into this private part of her heart as she told me stories about the sister that she loved so much.  

Towards the end of Nana’s life, her memory was gone and at times, she didn’t know who her family was. But she remembered my grandmother and at night as she laid in bed, she would be talking and laughing with my grandmother. Probably re-living a childhood memory that she spent with her sisters or who knows……maybe my grandmother was there in the room with her!

Now that Nana has passed away, I find comfort in the fact that she is reunited with her sisters. I can picture them sitting down together and Nana telling my grandmother all about my mom, my brother and me and about my brother’s kids.  I picture her telling my grandmother that even though things were hard for her at the time of my mom’s birth, my grandmother has a beautiful family and her legacy lives on through the lives of her daughter, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

   

Thank you Nana for being a mother to my mom. Thank you Nana for loving me like a granddaughter. Rest in peace. I love you and will forever be thankful to you.  

The Words of Jesus

“You have heard that it has been said, ‘You must love your neighbor and hate those who hate you.’ But I tell you, love those who hate you. Pray for those who do bad things to you and who make it hard for you. Then you may be the sons of your Father Who is in heaven. His sun shines on bad people and on good people. He sends rain on those who are right with God and on those who are not right with God. If you love those who love you, what reward can you expect from that. Do not even the tax-gathers do that? If you say hello only to the people you lie, are you doing any more than others? The people who do not know God do that much. You must be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:43-48

I’ve been thinking about this passage a lot today. I recently heard a teaching on this that when Jesus was saying these words, it was when the Romans ruled the world. The Romans were cruel;  they used fear, torture and were basically what we now call terrorists. They were the group that everyone feared. They were the ISIS of the time.

Tonight my heart is heavy and grieving as I have read the countless posts and news articles concerning the Syrian refugees coming here to the States. Many do not want to allow the Syrians to come here for fear that hidden among them is an extremists. I don’t know about the many hoops the Syrians will have to go through before coming to the States, but I’ve heard and read that they must go through a lot before entering our country. This is the one thing I do know…..I met many Syrians who fled their country because if they stayed there, they would be killed. I sat and listened to their stories of how they children still have nightmares because of what happened to them in their country; how a man was shot in the leg as he was simply going to the store to buy food for his family. I heard of their longing to one day return to their homes, their businesses…..their country.

There is so much fear and so much anger. Yet the words of Jesus continue to go through my head.” Love your enemies; pray for them.” Our world has a huge problem and it’s not ISIS or our President. Our world is in desperate need of Jesus. Of the love and grace that only He offers. May each of us who follow Him, live out the words He spoke so long ago. 

Waiting For The Milkman

Sometimes it’s hard to simply rest and trust that the Lord will provide what we need. I can’t understand why since He proves faithful each and every time, but yet time and time again, I find myself becoming worried that it gives me a headache.

Today was a day where the worry was all consuming because I wasn’t sure how a need would be met. After some tears (and Advil for the headache), I was reminded of this story I had heard a long time ago about George Mueller who had had an orphanage. As I was driving, I thanked God for what He was going to do despite the fact that I had no idea how He was going to do it. May the next few weeks, I continue to follow the example of George Mueller.

The children are dressed and ready for school. But there is no food for them to eat," the housemother of the orphanage informed George Mueller. George asked her to take the 300 children into the dining room and have them sit at the tables. He thanked God for the food and waited. George knew God would provide food for the children as he always did. Within minutes, a baker knocked on the door. "Mr. Mueller," he said, "last night I could not sleep. Somehow I knew that you would need bread this morning. I got up and baked three batches for you. I will bring it in."

Soon, there was another knock at the door. It was the milkman. His cart had broken down in front of the orphanage. The milk would spoil by the time the wheel was fixed. He asked George if he could use some free milk. George smiled as the milkman brought in ten large cans of milk. It was just enough for the 300 thirsty children.

Don't Run Out Ahead of Him

“And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things too. Don't run out ahead of him.”

Looking for a job is not fun. Reading the many post; uploading your resume only to have to fill out the exact same info on the application. For some jobs, taking a test to see if you are a good fit. Finally getting an interview only to wait and then wait and then wait. The employer is not in any rush, but you are and each time you look at balance in the bank, the panic hits you.

My heart is filled with panic once a day at least. It’s usually after hours of reading job post and constantly checking my email to see if anything is there. It’s usually at this point, where I close the computer and walk away and pour my energy into something and not think about the fact that I am waiting.

Right now the Lord is teaching me so many things as I wait. Recently I read devotion where I was reminded that He is the God of abundance. He will never run out of resources. So I continue to wait. To look, to email my resume, wait and remember to not run ahead of Him.

So no more panic today….until tomorrow J

A Piece of Cake

Right now I’m sitting on a balcony in Aqaba, Jordan overlooking the city.  I can see the twinkling lights of the city as well as the lights in the neighboring country of Israel.  I can hear the Call to Prayer as it echoes throughout the city.  It’s a moment I’m trying to take in and almost memorize.

It’s kind of crazy to think that I have lived in the Middle East for almost 2 years.  As I sat on the beaches of the Red Sea today, a thought went through my mind; if someone had told me 5 years ago where I would be this day, I would have thought they were insane.  Yet, here I am.

Next month I will be on a plane heading back to the US.  It’s an overwhelming thought, as I just don’t know what the future will hold.  However, some of the many things I have learned from this experience are this.  The Lord takes us to places we never dreamed possible.  We see and experience things that we didn’t even know existed.  We meet people that add so much to our lives and who show us so many things about the world around us and ourselves. 

Two years ago, I didn’t think it would be possible for me to live the life that I have been living, but I did.  So a little uncertainty about what is to come next….why that’s a piece of cake.

Ok, I’m going back to taking my moment in now because it’s too beautiful to miss by small distractions.  If I only had a piece of cake :) 

The Heartbreak Is Worth It

I have been in a little funk the last couple of weeks.  So many of the friends that I have made while here in Jordan have returned to their homelands.  Some of them have gone back for good and will not be returning to Jordan while others are just gone or travelling for the summer.    And then with the time difference and busy schedules of friends in the States, I haven’t even talked to friends back home too much either.  All this has lead to the blah I’ve been feeling.  A feeling of being left behind and sad even though I will soon be the one on the plane heading back home.

I have come to really not like goodbyes.  They are heartbreaking and so hard.  I have to admit that I have thought that if I didn’t have these connections with people whether the new friends I’ve made here or the family and friends back home, then the goodbyes wouldn’t be as hard.  There would be no tears and I wouldn't give them a second thought and not miss them.  When it came time for them to leave, it would just be a simple goodbye to the person and then back to my life and routine.   But then what?  What would my life look like if I didn't invest in people and allow them to invest in me?

During my time here in Jordan, I’ve realized how important it is to form connections and have true community.  To let people in, be vulnerable with them and to form a true friendship.  Each person in my life has been used by the Lord to teach me things about Him, about myself, and about how to be in relationship with others.  As hard as all the goodbyes have been and as hard as the last few weeks have been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world because I have had the most incredible people enter my life, and now my world of friends has expanded.   I love each and every one of them.  

I also wouldn’t trade all the heart break because my relationship with the Lord has become deeper too. People will always come and go from our lives.  Whether they move across an ocean and we don't get to see and talk to them often or because they leave this life.  However, He is always there.  My constant companion and friend.  My rock and strength when life can be so overwhelming and so hard.  And He is worth it all.  

It Was 7 years Ago Today

7 years ago today I felt lost and alone.  7 years ago today I couldn’t stop crying.  7 years ago today although I had a relationship with Jesus since I was a young child, I didn’t know what it meant to simply come to the end of myself and let Him in to the deepest part of me and completely take over who I was.  7 years ago today, I sat alone in a room with just my Lord and heard His voice for the first time.  7 years ago I gave Him so much of the hurt and anger that I had deep down inside.  It was so deep; I didn’t even know it was there.  7 years ago today, Jesus began to heal my heart and began teaching me what it means to die to my self and to let Him take over. 

7 years ago I experienced God in a way that I had never experienced Him before.  That experience brought me to a deeper place with Him where the only thing I could do is to be baptized again to show my commitment to Him and how that day I truly died and was a new creature in Christ. 

I am forever grateful for that day 7 years ago because I had no idea as I sat there alone crying out to my Savior how He would take that day and begin laying the foundation of what He wanted to teach me and make me more like Him.

I didn’t realize that on that day 7 years ago was the beginning of a refining process that the Lord wanted and needed to do in my heart.  He continues to chip away at all the junk that is in my heart and my head.  I will admit, that there are times where this refining process is not fun and uncomfortable because clinging to old ways is easier and more comfortable, but it is not freedom. 

Right now, I’m going through another time of refining.  There have been tears, praying and deep reflection as He molding me and working out the kinks.  We’re kind of in the messy process right now, but I know when He is done it will be beautiful and 7 years from now I will be reflecting on this time and be ever so grateful for what He did.