This week, I am beginning a new chapter in my life! And I have to say that this has been one scary thing for me!! When talks of me spending a year in Jordan began earlier this year, never did I imagine that I would be feeling all the feelings that I am now nor how God would start to teach me about trusting Him completely.
In the beginning of June, my dad suffered a major stroke which left him completely paralyzed on his right side and unable to speak or swallow. Further test revealed that the stroke also damaged the part of his brain which helps him understand when others are speaking to him. While he could understand simple commands, other times he did not seem to understand what was being asked of him. After much prayer and talking, my mom, brother and I decided that the best thing to do for him & something he would have wanted, was to take him home with hospice and let nature takes its course. On June 22nd at about 6:00pm my dad passed away.
The emotions and feelings that overcame after that were things I had never felt and experienced before. While I felt peace about his passing, my heart felt a bit torn as well. When I left my mom's to come home after his memorial service, I was surprised as to how hard it was to leave her alone. As my brother drove me to the airport, I kept thinking "how am I suppose to get on a plane and go so far away knowing that my mom is alone?"
I returned home to finish up the month of July at work and to begin to pack up my belongings and prepare to move. All of my insecurities were coming to the surface and panic began to set in my heart every time I would pack a box. I was overwhelmed, sad, alone, and kept thinking that I wanted all this to stop. Each time someone would ask me when I was leaving to Jordan, I wanted to scream! I can't do this......I don't want to do this..........I am not adequate enough to do this!!
I was then reminded by a friend about 2 Corinthians 12:9: But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. I'm not adequate to do any of this, but through the power of the Holy Spirit I can!
I am still grieving and feel sad. I'm grieving my dad.....I'm grieving this little life that I have had for the last few years. I honestly don't believe that when my year is up and I come back to the States, that I will get a job and pick up my life where I left it off. I believe God is going to use this trip to Jordan as the beginning of a new phase in my life.
So this month I will have to trust Him. I need to trust that He will provide all that I will need and work out all the logistics so that I can go to Jordan. I will need to trust that He will provide the finances since after my paycheck today, that's it!!!! I will need to completely trust in Him.
Yesterday as I was praying, I gave the Lord all my fears, my needs and insecurities. His grace is sufficient for me and I will continue to rest in that grace.
