A Piece of Cake

Right now I’m sitting on a balcony in Aqaba, Jordan overlooking the city.  I can see the twinkling lights of the city as well as the lights in the neighboring country of Israel.  I can hear the Call to Prayer as it echoes throughout the city.  It’s a moment I’m trying to take in and almost memorize.

It’s kind of crazy to think that I have lived in the Middle East for almost 2 years.  As I sat on the beaches of the Red Sea today, a thought went through my mind; if someone had told me 5 years ago where I would be this day, I would have thought they were insane.  Yet, here I am.

Next month I will be on a plane heading back to the US.  It’s an overwhelming thought, as I just don’t know what the future will hold.  However, some of the many things I have learned from this experience are this.  The Lord takes us to places we never dreamed possible.  We see and experience things that we didn’t even know existed.  We meet people that add so much to our lives and who show us so many things about the world around us and ourselves. 

Two years ago, I didn’t think it would be possible for me to live the life that I have been living, but I did.  So a little uncertainty about what is to come next….why that’s a piece of cake.

Ok, I’m going back to taking my moment in now because it’s too beautiful to miss by small distractions.  If I only had a piece of cake :) 

The Heartbreak Is Worth It

I have been in a little funk the last couple of weeks.  So many of the friends that I have made while here in Jordan have returned to their homelands.  Some of them have gone back for good and will not be returning to Jordan while others are just gone or travelling for the summer.    And then with the time difference and busy schedules of friends in the States, I haven’t even talked to friends back home too much either.  All this has lead to the blah I’ve been feeling.  A feeling of being left behind and sad even though I will soon be the one on the plane heading back home.

I have come to really not like goodbyes.  They are heartbreaking and so hard.  I have to admit that I have thought that if I didn’t have these connections with people whether the new friends I’ve made here or the family and friends back home, then the goodbyes wouldn’t be as hard.  There would be no tears and I wouldn't give them a second thought and not miss them.  When it came time for them to leave, it would just be a simple goodbye to the person and then back to my life and routine.   But then what?  What would my life look like if I didn't invest in people and allow them to invest in me?

During my time here in Jordan, I’ve realized how important it is to form connections and have true community.  To let people in, be vulnerable with them and to form a true friendship.  Each person in my life has been used by the Lord to teach me things about Him, about myself, and about how to be in relationship with others.  As hard as all the goodbyes have been and as hard as the last few weeks have been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world because I have had the most incredible people enter my life, and now my world of friends has expanded.   I love each and every one of them.  

I also wouldn’t trade all the heart break because my relationship with the Lord has become deeper too. People will always come and go from our lives.  Whether they move across an ocean and we don't get to see and talk to them often or because they leave this life.  However, He is always there.  My constant companion and friend.  My rock and strength when life can be so overwhelming and so hard.  And He is worth it all.  

It Was 7 years Ago Today

7 years ago today I felt lost and alone.  7 years ago today I couldn’t stop crying.  7 years ago today although I had a relationship with Jesus since I was a young child, I didn’t know what it meant to simply come to the end of myself and let Him in to the deepest part of me and completely take over who I was.  7 years ago today, I sat alone in a room with just my Lord and heard His voice for the first time.  7 years ago I gave Him so much of the hurt and anger that I had deep down inside.  It was so deep; I didn’t even know it was there.  7 years ago today, Jesus began to heal my heart and began teaching me what it means to die to my self and to let Him take over. 

7 years ago I experienced God in a way that I had never experienced Him before.  That experience brought me to a deeper place with Him where the only thing I could do is to be baptized again to show my commitment to Him and how that day I truly died and was a new creature in Christ. 

I am forever grateful for that day 7 years ago because I had no idea as I sat there alone crying out to my Savior how He would take that day and begin laying the foundation of what He wanted to teach me and make me more like Him.

I didn’t realize that on that day 7 years ago was the beginning of a refining process that the Lord wanted and needed to do in my heart.  He continues to chip away at all the junk that is in my heart and my head.  I will admit, that there are times where this refining process is not fun and uncomfortable because clinging to old ways is easier and more comfortable, but it is not freedom. 

Right now, I’m going through another time of refining.  There have been tears, praying and deep reflection as He molding me and working out the kinks.  We’re kind of in the messy process right now, but I know when He is done it will be beautiful and 7 years from now I will be reflecting on this time and be ever so grateful for what He did.  

Ones That Stick

When I came to Jordan last year, I wondered if I would find someone who could give me a good haircut.  For me, that is something that is sort of a big deal and the search to find someone to give me a cut that will be chic and grow out well was not something I was sure I could find here.  Then I wondered if I could find someone who would also be affordable.   Well, I was introduced to this person here in Jordan and was so happy.  This lady’s name was Sheila and she was from England.  Never had I seen anyone cut hair they way she did.  It was like watching an artist at work as she would do my hair.  It was great. 

This talented woman, who was only in her 50s, was such a sad lady. She was living here in this country that at times it seemed like she was not too fond of, yet was too ashamed to go back home because she saw herself as a failure. She changed salons more times than I can count because she would get upset with one and move on to another.  In talking with her you could tell that her whole life was just about her trying so hard to fill this void.  It was heart breaking. I went to see Sheila right before I left for a conference in England and our idle chitchat turned to some spiritual matters.  She asked me if I was a very religious person and I told her how for me, it wasn’t about religion, but about a relationship with Jesus.  I told her that when we understand just how much God loves us, it is life changing.  She nodded in agreement with me and then the subject changed and we talk about other things.  I remember how I felt so nervous as I said all this to her, but as I walked out of the salon that day I thought how I needed to have more talks like that with her in the future.

This last week I learned that about a week and half after my visit to Sheila, she had a stroke and died. This news was sort of a wake up call for me and really got me thinking. I am thankful that I did take that opportunity the last time I saw her and was able to share with her, but at the same time I'm also a little sad that I didn't talk to her those countless other times that I had been to see her.   This life is short and we never know when it will end for any of us. This was a good and sad reminder to me to always be ready and have the boldness to share truth with everyone who crosses my path because I don't know if that will be the last time I will see that person. 

It was also a good reminder to take the time for people.  Sometimes I rush around trying to get things done and forget to take the time for people.  While getting things done is good, people are more important.  I pray and hope that these lessons are ones that stick with me for quite some time.   

The Quiet Life

“There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labor in His service.

― Charles H. Spurgeon

Noise is a part of our everyday life.  It seems we get so used to it we don’t even realize it is there until it is not and there is absolute silence.  When that happens, we sit back and take a breath enjoying that brief moment.

The last few weeks I have discovered something about myself that I didn’t realize before coming here.  In my American life, I would fill my days with noise and busy activities and would use these things to find security.   When I would be surrounded by people and running around busy with many tasks,  I would feel loved, secure, and a sense of purpose.  Then after the many projects would be done and life would become quiet, it would be sort of like a crash.  And because the things that made me feel loved and secure were over,  I would then feel unloved and so insecure that it would almost hurt.  I would anxiously await and beg for my next “fix” so that those bad feelings would be gone, but they would only be gone until that busyness was over and then the cycle would start all over again.

On Valentine’s Day this year, friends from home sent me the most thoughtful Valentine’s Day care package.  There were so many wonderful things inside that box that were wrapped in beautiful pink and red wrappings and tied with silver ribbon.  One of the things that I received was a long piece of yarn with hearts tied across it.  Each heart had a promise from God along with the Bible reference.  As I opened up that gift, tears filled my eyes.  As I stood in the quiet living room reading each promise that was written on the hearts, that lesson that the Lord has been trying to teach me for so long finally began to penetrate deep into my heart.   My value is not in the things that I do.  It’s fine to be busy, but it’s also important to stop and enjoy the quiet and simply rest in the presence of the Lord. 

The next 3 weeks after receiving my care package, the message of how important it is to rest and simply sit at the feet of my Savior was coming from so many directions.  I am learning to enjoy the quiet because I am realizing that when you are in the quiet mode, that is when you hear the voice of God and you can enjoy His presence.  It is there when He begins to transform your thoughts, your heart and prepares you for the tasks that you are going to do.   You also begin to trust Him more and more which leads to a more intimate relationship with the God of the universe, and really there is nothing more precious than that relationship and that intimacy. 

Again this morning this was confirmed to me as I read my devotion for today: “In a world characterized by working and taking, the admonition to rest and receive seems too easy.  There is an intricate connection between receiving and believing.  As you trust in Jesus more and more, you are able to receive Him and the blessings abundantly.”

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  Psalm 46:10.

Right now as I write this……I am enjoying the quiet.