The Hardest People To Say Goodbye To

I have very fond and loving memories of my Aunt, whom I simply called Auntie.  When I was 5 years old, she died of lung cancer.  As I grew up, I always thought of her and what our relationship would be like if she had lived.  When I was in high school, I remember thinking that I couldn't wait for the day when I would be an Auntie!

I have the great fortune of being an "Auntie" to not only my brothers children, but to the children of my good friends!  Every time they call me Auntie, it brings a smile to my face and makes me think of my
Auntie that I loved so much!  Leaving them and not seeing them for the next year just about breaks my heart and every time I think about saying goodbye, my eyes well up with tears!  Thank goodness for Skype, FB, and all the many ways we can communicate today! I thought I would write a message to each of these special children in my life.

To my nieces and nephews in Arizona:  It makes me sad that I don't get to interact with each of you daily.  However, it does make my visit out to Arizona feel special!  I am sad that I won't get to see you this holiday season!  But now, we HAVE TO HAVE TO skype.  I love you all so much!!!  Never forget that!

Struckmeier Children:  I love you all!!!  I'm glad I got to spend time with you in May while your mom and dad were off hiking!  It blows me away how big and old you are now and HOW MUCH you remind me of your parents!  I'm glad we have facebook so I can keep track of you and see pics!  I love you lots!

Morales Boys:  What can I say......you guys make me laugh and can always get me to do things and move furniture convincing me that "mom said it was fine," and then when she gets home I get "the look."  Oh well, we always put everything back where it is suppose to be!

Abbey, Colton, and Bella:  Abbey, we must still our meetings!  I love our meetings and all of our talks! You can call me with your mom's phone (use face time) any time you want!  Colton, you are a crazy pants and I love you!!!!  Learn lots in preschool and when I come home, I can't wait to hear all that you know.  Bella, I need to get lots of snuggles with you in the next week because you are still little!  I can't wait to see you grow through pictures and to snuggle with you when I'm back!

Olivia Grace:  Last, but certainly not least!  You are my little BFF!   I have probably spent the most time with you!!  I think we bonded when I visited your mom in the hospital when you were born and I sat in the rocking chair holding you watching Friends!  That bonded us for life!  I love love you lots, Lulu and will cry when I say goodbye to you!  Remember to show me all your Christmas presents on the computer and make me lots of pictures!

I love you all so much!!!!  Study hard, play hard and remember when your mom and dad say no......Auntie Jen will always say YES!!!!  :)

I have some pics.  Some are old, but I wanted to put them on here anyway!

Little Jakey!

Old pic of Abbey and Colton with me on 4th of July

The twins!

My little BFF Olivia Grace!

My nephews.......they are so weird!  

My sweet nieces!

The Countdown Is On

My flight to Jordan is in exactly 2 weeks from tomorrow (Saturday).  I will fly out of SFO on September 1st and head to JFK in New York (which I'm sad I can't stay and visit since that is the one city I would love to visit!) and then from there fly directly to Amman.  Well after sitting on an airplane for 11 hours!!!  That is not the part I am looking forward to at all!

I've been asked often if I am busy getting ready to go.  I guess you could say that, but I have never been one to get ready for anything weeks in advance.  I've been asked if I am nervous.....I don't feel nervous yet but the anxiety will come because I always get that when I travel.  I really can't describe what I am feeling right now.  Part of me is looking forward to this new thing I am going to do and that I get to live somewhere else for a bit.  Part of me is sad for those I am leaving behind.  And part of me can't wait for a year to be over because I'm excited to see how I will be different when I return.  To think back over the next year.  

So the next couple of weeks I will continue to enjoy my time here, relax, do the things I love to do, hang out with those I love and just have fun!!!  I still have 2 weeks of summer here and I intend to make the most of it! 

A New Chapter

This week, I am beginning a new chapter in my life!  And I have to say that this has been one scary thing for me!!  When talks of me spending a year in Jordan began earlier this year, never did I imagine that I would be feeling all the feelings that I am now nor how God would start to teach me about trusting Him completely.

In the beginning of June, my dad suffered a major stroke which left him completely paralyzed on his right side and unable to speak or swallow.  Further test revealed that the stroke also damaged the part of his brain which helps him understand when others are speaking to him.  While he could understand simple commands, other times he did not seem to understand what was being asked of him.  After much prayer and talking, my mom, brother and I decided that the best thing to do for him & something he would have wanted, was to take him home with hospice and let nature takes its course.  On June 22nd at about 6:00pm my dad passed away.

The emotions and feelings that overcame after that were things I had never felt and experienced before. While I felt peace about his passing, my heart felt a bit torn as well.  When I left my mom's to come home after his memorial service, I was surprised as to how hard it was to leave her alone.  As my brother drove me to the airport, I kept thinking "how am I suppose to get on a plane and go so far away knowing that my mom is alone?"

I returned home to finish up the month of July at work and to begin to pack up my belongings and prepare to move.  All of my insecurities were coming to the surface and panic began to set in my heart every time I would pack a box.  I was overwhelmed, sad, alone, and kept thinking that I wanted all this to stop.  Each time someone would ask me when I was leaving to Jordan, I wanted to scream!  I can't do this......I don't want to do this..........I am not adequate enough to do this!!

I was then reminded by a friend about 2 Corinthians 12:9:  But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  I'm not adequate to do any of this, but through the power of the Holy Spirit I can!

I am still grieving and feel sad.  I'm grieving my dad.....I'm grieving this little life that I have had for the last few years.  I honestly don't believe that when my year is up and I come back to the States, that I will get a job and pick up my life where I left it off.  I believe God is going to use this trip to Jordan as the beginning of a new phase in my life.

So this month I will have to trust Him.  I need to trust that He will provide all that I will need and work out all the logistics so that I can go to Jordan.  I will need to trust that He will provide the finances since after my paycheck today, that's it!!!!  I will need to completely trust in Him.

Yesterday as I was praying, I gave the Lord all my fears, my needs and insecurities.  His grace is sufficient for me and I will continue to rest in that grace.