The Heartbreak Is Worth It

I have been in a little funk the last couple of weeks.  So many of the friends that I have made while here in Jordan have returned to their homelands.  Some of them have gone back for good and will not be returning to Jordan while others are just gone or travelling for the summer.    And then with the time difference and busy schedules of friends in the States, I haven’t even talked to friends back home too much either.  All this has lead to the blah I’ve been feeling.  A feeling of being left behind and sad even though I will soon be the one on the plane heading back home.

I have come to really not like goodbyes.  They are heartbreaking and so hard.  I have to admit that I have thought that if I didn’t have these connections with people whether the new friends I’ve made here or the family and friends back home, then the goodbyes wouldn’t be as hard.  There would be no tears and I wouldn't give them a second thought and not miss them.  When it came time for them to leave, it would just be a simple goodbye to the person and then back to my life and routine.   But then what?  What would my life look like if I didn't invest in people and allow them to invest in me?

During my time here in Jordan, I’ve realized how important it is to form connections and have true community.  To let people in, be vulnerable with them and to form a true friendship.  Each person in my life has been used by the Lord to teach me things about Him, about myself, and about how to be in relationship with others.  As hard as all the goodbyes have been and as hard as the last few weeks have been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world because I have had the most incredible people enter my life, and now my world of friends has expanded.   I love each and every one of them.  

I also wouldn’t trade all the heart break because my relationship with the Lord has become deeper too. People will always come and go from our lives.  Whether they move across an ocean and we don't get to see and talk to them often or because they leave this life.  However, He is always there.  My constant companion and friend.  My rock and strength when life can be so overwhelming and so hard.  And He is worth it all.  

It Was 7 years Ago Today

7 years ago today I felt lost and alone.  7 years ago today I couldn’t stop crying.  7 years ago today although I had a relationship with Jesus since I was a young child, I didn’t know what it meant to simply come to the end of myself and let Him in to the deepest part of me and completely take over who I was.  7 years ago today, I sat alone in a room with just my Lord and heard His voice for the first time.  7 years ago I gave Him so much of the hurt and anger that I had deep down inside.  It was so deep; I didn’t even know it was there.  7 years ago today, Jesus began to heal my heart and began teaching me what it means to die to my self and to let Him take over. 

7 years ago I experienced God in a way that I had never experienced Him before.  That experience brought me to a deeper place with Him where the only thing I could do is to be baptized again to show my commitment to Him and how that day I truly died and was a new creature in Christ. 

I am forever grateful for that day 7 years ago because I had no idea as I sat there alone crying out to my Savior how He would take that day and begin laying the foundation of what He wanted to teach me and make me more like Him.

I didn’t realize that on that day 7 years ago was the beginning of a refining process that the Lord wanted and needed to do in my heart.  He continues to chip away at all the junk that is in my heart and my head.  I will admit, that there are times where this refining process is not fun and uncomfortable because clinging to old ways is easier and more comfortable, but it is not freedom. 

Right now, I’m going through another time of refining.  There have been tears, praying and deep reflection as He molding me and working out the kinks.  We’re kind of in the messy process right now, but I know when He is done it will be beautiful and 7 years from now I will be reflecting on this time and be ever so grateful for what He did.  

Ones That Stick

When I came to Jordan last year, I wondered if I would find someone who could give me a good haircut.  For me, that is something that is sort of a big deal and the search to find someone to give me a cut that will be chic and grow out well was not something I was sure I could find here.  Then I wondered if I could find someone who would also be affordable.   Well, I was introduced to this person here in Jordan and was so happy.  This lady’s name was Sheila and she was from England.  Never had I seen anyone cut hair they way she did.  It was like watching an artist at work as she would do my hair.  It was great. 

This talented woman, who was only in her 50s, was such a sad lady. She was living here in this country that at times it seemed like she was not too fond of, yet was too ashamed to go back home because she saw herself as a failure. She changed salons more times than I can count because she would get upset with one and move on to another.  In talking with her you could tell that her whole life was just about her trying so hard to fill this void.  It was heart breaking. I went to see Sheila right before I left for a conference in England and our idle chitchat turned to some spiritual matters.  She asked me if I was a very religious person and I told her how for me, it wasn’t about religion, but about a relationship with Jesus.  I told her that when we understand just how much God loves us, it is life changing.  She nodded in agreement with me and then the subject changed and we talk about other things.  I remember how I felt so nervous as I said all this to her, but as I walked out of the salon that day I thought how I needed to have more talks like that with her in the future.

This last week I learned that about a week and half after my visit to Sheila, she had a stroke and died. This news was sort of a wake up call for me and really got me thinking. I am thankful that I did take that opportunity the last time I saw her and was able to share with her, but at the same time I'm also a little sad that I didn't talk to her those countless other times that I had been to see her.   This life is short and we never know when it will end for any of us. This was a good and sad reminder to me to always be ready and have the boldness to share truth with everyone who crosses my path because I don't know if that will be the last time I will see that person. 

It was also a good reminder to take the time for people.  Sometimes I rush around trying to get things done and forget to take the time for people.  While getting things done is good, people are more important.  I pray and hope that these lessons are ones that stick with me for quite some time.   

The Quiet Life

“There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labor in His service.

― Charles H. Spurgeon

Noise is a part of our everyday life.  It seems we get so used to it we don’t even realize it is there until it is not and there is absolute silence.  When that happens, we sit back and take a breath enjoying that brief moment.

The last few weeks I have discovered something about myself that I didn’t realize before coming here.  In my American life, I would fill my days with noise and busy activities and would use these things to find security.   When I would be surrounded by people and running around busy with many tasks,  I would feel loved, secure, and a sense of purpose.  Then after the many projects would be done and life would become quiet, it would be sort of like a crash.  And because the things that made me feel loved and secure were over,  I would then feel unloved and so insecure that it would almost hurt.  I would anxiously await and beg for my next “fix” so that those bad feelings would be gone, but they would only be gone until that busyness was over and then the cycle would start all over again.

On Valentine’s Day this year, friends from home sent me the most thoughtful Valentine’s Day care package.  There were so many wonderful things inside that box that were wrapped in beautiful pink and red wrappings and tied with silver ribbon.  One of the things that I received was a long piece of yarn with hearts tied across it.  Each heart had a promise from God along with the Bible reference.  As I opened up that gift, tears filled my eyes.  As I stood in the quiet living room reading each promise that was written on the hearts, that lesson that the Lord has been trying to teach me for so long finally began to penetrate deep into my heart.   My value is not in the things that I do.  It’s fine to be busy, but it’s also important to stop and enjoy the quiet and simply rest in the presence of the Lord. 

The next 3 weeks after receiving my care package, the message of how important it is to rest and simply sit at the feet of my Savior was coming from so many directions.  I am learning to enjoy the quiet because I am realizing that when you are in the quiet mode, that is when you hear the voice of God and you can enjoy His presence.  It is there when He begins to transform your thoughts, your heart and prepares you for the tasks that you are going to do.   You also begin to trust Him more and more which leads to a more intimate relationship with the God of the universe, and really there is nothing more precious than that relationship and that intimacy. 

Again this morning this was confirmed to me as I read my devotion for today: “In a world characterized by working and taking, the admonition to rest and receive seems too easy.  There is an intricate connection between receiving and believing.  As you trust in Jesus more and more, you are able to receive Him and the blessings abundantly.”

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  Psalm 46:10.

Right now as I write this……I am enjoying the quiet. 

Little Known Facts

Ok so many people have asked me to post this about things that are different here in Jordan vs. the States.  Here are some little known facts that I thought you might enjoy!

1.     Water Day:  Each household has a water tank (or couple of tanks) on the roof.  That water tank is all the water that is used for doing dishes, laundry, taking a shower, toilets, etc.  The water tank is filled once a week (and I just learned for some twice….jealous!)  The water gets turned on all day and is constantly filling on your water day so that is the day to run the water!!  Laundry is done this day and long showers are taken.  The problem with this is if you run out of water before the next water day.  L You can pay for a truck to come and fill you water tank or you can just wait till water day, but depending on when you run out…..that can be quite gross!

2.     No dryers: Most households do not have a clothes dryer. L  We have a washing machine but you have to hang your clothes to dry.  There are clothes lines up on balconies and rooftops, but if it’s a cold and/or a rainy day your clothes take FOREVER to dry.  You can dry your clothes on the clothes rack inside, but it still takes some time for them to dry.  Not to mention if we happen to be having a dust storm.  If your clothes are hanging outside during that….can you say the word re-wash?

3.     Can I get it delivered?  McDonalds, Burger King and Pizza Hunt are some of the fast food restaurants here and guess what??  You can call in your order to all these places and they will deliver to your house!

4.     Smoking ok: Smoking is EVERYWHERE here!!!  It still throws me off to see ash trays on the tables at restaurants.  Personally I didn’t used to mind the smell of smoke, but now I absolutely detest it! 

5.     Everybody wants to be a cat: Cats are also EVERYWHERE here!  I can’t even tell you how many times I have been walking down the street and a cat will jump out of a garbage can because it was in there looking for food!  It’s crazy!  They are just everywhere here.  Jordan is like one huge version of Disney’s Aristocats!!  However, as one person put it, “would you rather see cats on the streets or rats?” 

6.     Work/School On Saturdays! The work/school week here for most is everyday except for Fridays.  Fridays there is no work and no school.  Most malls don’t open till about 2:00pm on Fridays.  Schools are either Sun-Thursday or Mon to Thursday with a spilt weekend. (no school Fridays and then back to school on Saturday and then no school again on Sunday.) 

7.     Was that a gunshot? When people are celebrating things like weddings, soccer games victories, etc you can pretty much expect to hear shot guns being fired.  It used to startle me, now I don’t even blink! J 

8.     Long life milk!  The cheapest and easiest milk to buy here is long life milk.  It’s not powered milk, it’s milk that is on the shelves of the grocery stores and I have no idea what they do it to make it "long life."  You store it in your cupboards till opening it and then put it in the refrigerator.  Well, I put one in the refrigerator before opening it so it’s cold.  I was not too sure about this when first arriving, but it taste pretty good.  I wouldn’t drink of glass of it but I do drink the rest that is in my cereal.  There is also fresh milk at the stores.  This is a little more expensive than long life milk and the expiration date is always 3 days from the day you buy it.

9.     Can’t leave a voice mail: I don’t think voice mail with cell phones even exists here.  No one has a voice mail box so if you call someone and don’t get an answer, you have to send a text. 

 10.Easter in May: Here is something I just recently learned.  The Orthodox Easter is celebrated here.  So while you all in the States will be celebrating Easter, March 30^th, I won’t be celebrating it till May 5^th.   This will allow you to buy things after your Easter and then send them to me for mine!  PS I like normal the jelly beans and peeps!  J. 

 11.Hooray for Hollywood! Pretty much all the movies released in the States are release here as well.  Sometimes at the same time they are released in the States, but sometimes later.  Lincoln and Les Mis have not come out here yet, but are suppose to soon so I’m looking forward to that.  The cost for going to the movies here is pretty much the same price that we pay in California.  When you buy your movie ticket, you pick your seat so it’s assigned seating which is fun.  And you can buy popcorn….normal OR caramel popcorn to snack on while watching your movie!  And of course all the other kind of movie snacks.