Awkward!!

We’ve seen the scene in movies or TV shows…a high school student standing in the cafeteria with their tray of food walking and looking for a place to sit.  Thinking to themselves, “Can I sit there?  Or “maybe they will let me sit with them.”  Instead they sit by themselves because sitting alone seems like the only option and is a whole lot easier than getting rejected by others.

Being here in Jordan has made me feel like I’m in high school all over again.   One of my biggest fears that I have struggled with most of my life is the fear of rejection.  I think I’ve FINALLY have reached a point where I am feeling good about the friendships and people who are in my life back at home where that fear is not there, but I have to admit every once in a while it would creep up to the surface.  But it was ok when that fear would come up.  My friends know and love me so I can be myself and they accept me…flaws and all. 

But those people who love me and in whom I have built that trust with are an ocean away and now I am always meeting new people and then getting to know them.  This has made that fear come out, and I feel like that high school student from the movies standing there holding my lunch tray wondering where to go.  And when I am chatting with new people, I find these thoughts running through my head: “will they like me? Should I have said that?  That just made me sound so stupid!!!”  The comfort that I have with friends back home is absent here and there really isn’t anybody here that I can just be myself with and let it all go.  After all, I have just met these people and they don’t know me well.

I’m just amazed though at during those times when I have so many of the things running through my head and all those fears and insecurities are practically choking me that Jesus is right there and is gently reminding me of His great love for me.  This week, every place I went I was being reminded of that.  I read a book called “Jesus Is Calling” everyday.  The author has written the daily devotions as if Jesus is talking to you, which is so beautiful.  This is from Tuesday’s reading.  “…Nor can another person know the intimacies of your heart, mind and spirit.  I know everything about you – even the number of hairs on your head.  You don’t need to work at revealing yourself to Me.”    How comforting is that?  I don’t have to work at Jesus getting to know me because He already does!!!  I can just be myself around Him and He will love and accept me no matter what! 

While I knew coming here would be somewhat difficult as I missed people and things from home, at the same time I had no idea how difficult it would be.  How there would not be people around me who know me so well.  This week I was reminded that even though those people that Jesus has placed in my life are far away and I’m meeting new people, He is right here with me.  He knows me better than anybody back home does, than anybody here will know me, and even better than I know myself!!!!  I can rest in Him and run to Him. 

I claimed this verse before I left, but each day it is becoming more real in my life and I identify with Paul as he wrote it:  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9.

I’m sure there will still be many times when I will feel like that high school girl standing in the cafeteria wondering where to go, who to talk to, and longing for acceptance.   But every time I cling to the truth that I am accepted and don’t believe the lies, then I will putting that fear behind me and no longer allowing it to control me.  And then…there will be a world of possibilities!

PS:  If you don’t have the book, Jesus Is Calling by Sarah Young you need to get it!  It’s amazing!